i barfeds in our rink
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
