The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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