Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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