exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
