I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
