We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
