I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
