It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
