apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
