We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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