I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
