Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
