I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
