Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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