Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
