me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
