I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
