I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
