Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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