I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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