I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Success! We fucked roommates!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
