Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
