Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
