so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
