She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
