420 ftw
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
