Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
