I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
