When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
