My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
