I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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