I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish you could order shots online.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
