My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
