Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
