Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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