I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
