Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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