I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
