just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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