Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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