in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
