my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
