So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
