Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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