Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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