You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You ruined the universe
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
