im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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