u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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