I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
