and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
