I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
